Monday, April 11, 2011

All I Ever Wanted.

I haven't written anything in awhile simply because I have been busy and feeling uninspired to write anything other than papers about ethics in the studies of mass media. But hey, that's the life of a college student for you.

This weekend something terrible happened. I'm not going to go into juicy details, but just know that I had never felt so betrayed and hurt in all my life. He is the one man I have ever fully, completely trusted; and he betrayed me and that trust. I had never been so angry with him. So hurt. So...ashamed.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hit him and throw things. I actually did some of those things and in retrospect, he still deserved it. He betrayed me. He played me for a fool. He made me feel like I wasn't enough. Like I wasn't good enough. Like he needed more than just me. Or worse, like he wanted someone else and didn't want me at all.

I did what I normally do with arguments happen. I shut down. I have a really long history of severe panic attacks and since I have been off my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds for a little over a year now, I didn't really want to risk it. I stepped away from the argument. I sent him to his apartment and I went to dinner with my best friend. She always knows how to fix things. She always knows what to say to either inspire me to fix things or how to just get my mind off of things in general. She is always there for me. I love her for that.

I spilled my guts to her. I told her everything that had happened and she naturally took my side. She wanted to get revenge. She wanted me to never talk to him again. She wanted me to move on. She wanted me to be done with the rat.

She then saw how hearing that killed me. She saw the pain I felt at the mere thought of never seeing his eyes light up again. Or never seeing his smile. Or hearing his laugh. Or getting one of his incredible hugs. She saw that pain, and changed her tune. She told me to do whatever my heart was telling me to do, but warned me against falling for the same thing I have fallen for time and time again.

I drove around for a bit after that dinner. I needed time to think to myself. I remembered a story my mom told me when I was little. My dad had done something similar and I she recalled how badly it hurt her and ruined her trust in him. I asked her why she bothered to stay with him, and she replied, "Because your father is a stupid, stupid man. But I love that stupid, stupid man. And love, real honest love, love that is supposed to happen, can make it through anything."

That was the one thing that made up my mind.

The only reason I felt so hurt was because I fully and completely trusted him with everything I was. I'm usually not that trusting, but there was something about him that I just knew would never hurt me. I knew that in order to trust someone that much, I had to love him an immense amount.

He has changed so much from the time before. He treats me like I'm the only one in the world for him. He compliments me, he tells me how he feels, he takes care of me when I need him, he loves me, he cherishes me, and he works with me on any problem we might have instead of getting mad and leaving. He is truly, honestly trying. Therefore, I know he loves me. I can see it in the way he looks at me. When he looks at me like that, I feel like I'm the only woman on the face of this earth and I feel invincible. I feel like I could do anything I wanted to when he looks at me like that.

I know things are going to be hard sometimes. I know things aren't always going to be perfect and happy. But I also know that love is both the good and the bad. For better or for worse. You take them both and grow as a couple through that. And I know that with him, I am completely willing to do that. He is the love of my life and I want nothing more than to wake up one morning when I'm 80 and see him there with me. He always makes me smile. He always brightens my day. He always makes me feel loved and happy. He will be my only one. He is it. The one. My everything.

I'm still on eggshells about the situation that happened. But he has been trying to prove himself to me over the past two days and he really has. I just need this to keep up and I need to know that it will never happen again. I need to know that I can have faith and trust in him again.

I need to know that I'll get my happily ever after with the one man I want it more than anything in the world with.

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