Wednesday, June 15, 2011

It's Killing Me, Killing You

"I know I've been stupid and don't have a reason, but I'm trying not to ruin the one thing I believe in. You. It's killing me, killing you."

I have officially fallen to pieces. I had a dream about a month ago that I was a glass doll knocked from a shelf and shattered. I just played it off as a weird dream caused by eating something weird before bed. Little did I know I would feel exactly like that doll a month later. Broken, in pieces, on the floor.

I feel like so much is piling on me that I cannot control anything. Even down to small tasks like changing out laundry or folding clothes takes me hours to even muster the energy to complete. I've let myself and my relationships fall apart. I've hurt the one thing that has ever been truly good and stable in my life. I cannot even live with myself right now. I hate everything and everything I have done.

I need to fix a lot about myself if I ever want to have the future I daydream about. I need to take charge and also let go and let God lead me on the correct path. I need to handle things one at a time and slowly but surely tackle my to-do lists in my self improvement journal so that I can be there person he deserves. I need to be better. If not just for him, then for myself. I need to find my life again. I need to find myself. I've gotten lost along the way and everything has crumbled on top of me. I feel like a candy wrapper in the bottom of a trash can. Empty of everything sweet and good, just forgotten about and buried under everything else.

From this moment on I believe this blog will serve as my place to vent about my problems. I need a place to go to just type without thinking what it sounds like, who will be reading it, and why I am up at 2 am doing it in the first place. I just need a break. I need some time to set things right. I am hoping by tomorrow night I can start to feel better and get back to stable so I can be there for him and help him feel better. I hate seeing the hurt in his eyes. I hate seeing him anything but happy. I would give up anything and everything just for the chance to see him smile and laugh again. To be so carefree and in love like we used to be. I need that. He needs that. But he needs things from me first in order to feel that way.

I will stop at nothing to give him what he needs. I love him and need him and know I can beat this. We can beat this.

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